Fumbling Towards Here

Archive for the ‘waiting’ Category

Freeze Frame

Posted by dakota on September 19, 2008

The Greek goddess of wisdom and war called to deliver the news to us today.
Well, one of the embryologist’ named after this goddess gave us a call, but, anyway I thought it apropos we get the news from her since this process seems to require preparation for elements of wisdom and varieties of war.
Corpuscular combat.
Doctor duking.
Insurance impalement.
Patience.
Love.

Both embryologists I spoke to were kind, very competent, and answered all my questions with just the right amount of humor and compassion.

I started writing this post earlier this afternoon but it felt very technical and jumbled.
So I got rid of it.  Here is the distillation:

We have four embryos.
I am elated that four have made it to today.
A little sad that they are now just frozen in time.
Today they feel like babies somewhere I can’t reach.

We are eleven days away from knowing if we have a pregnancy.
I really want a baby.
You know?

I looked up freeze frame and I found two descriptions:
* An optical printing effect in which a single frame image is repeated so as to appear stationary when projected.

* The image on the screen stops, freezes and becomes a still shot.

The two are related with a nuanced difference– one appears stationary but is actually moving (like a possible pregnancy in a tww) the other is a snapshot of a held moment  (like a cryopreserved embryo).

Posted in embryos, insemination, ivf, waiting | 8 Comments »

I don’t know

Posted by dakota on August 13, 2008

It has been hard to write and organize my thoughts. Last week we decided on a very high drug complex plan of action that will involve mulberry freezing her embryos first then us both going through a process for a fresh transfer of my embryos to her. Then we found out mulberry has asthma, and a continued mystery swelling of her ankles. Doctor says might be just a bit of weight gain but we are not sure. She’s on birth control pills while we are waiting for our two insurance companies to reject and accept whatever parts they will. I know she is afraid of the drugs related to IVF. I am too, especially since we won’t know what new symptoms will arise from them. I know how much she wants the experience of pregnancy. I keep coming back to wondering whether this really is the right thing for her–trying to carry my embryos. She hasn’t been diagnosed with anything negative regarding her fertility, and we’ve only tried once to get her pregnant less invasively. Oh.

When we were in the RE’s office discussing our options back in June and got to the part where mulberry would carry, I started to cry and blurted out that it may not be fair for mulberry to do MY heavy lifting. When the RE asked me whether her husband had allowed her to do the heavy lifting when they had their child, I said yes. Yes he had. As a feminist, I feel that he and we all betta recognize as they say in the neighborhood. Women do an incredible thing (risk our own lives really) bringing life into the world.

I can’t finish these thoughts yet. I feel suspended and surreal and sad today. U2 is on the radio I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. Which has been followed by Ohio Players Rollercoaster. I am ovulating too. Another twelve-hour work day awaits.

Posted in doubts, insurance, waiting | 2 Comments »