Fumbling Towards Here

Archive for the ‘privacy’ Category

Bad Buddhist

Posted by dakota on July 23, 2008

I have been working double evening shifts, working a few days in a row and then getting a few days off in a row. Needless to say, I am tired. And I miss mulberrry.

The place I work is in transition. There is a lot of potential for being a great company but they are stuck in old patterns and bad habits. In fact, the place almost closed down last year. Since my best buddy, Shenandoah, also works there it was a fun fun time for all contemplating our jobless selves. I signed on in the middle management position I have now a little over a year ago because I thought I could be a part of something positive and because I knew the health insurance would cover a large portion of my and mulberry’s fertility costs. There are snags to coverage payment and how it impacts my taxes because we don’t have the legal perks of marriage, but I am grateful that we have some domestic partnership benefits. Did I mention I oh so miss my domestic partner?

The drama gets so thick sometimes (my department has over 300 people) there are moments I am unsure whether I can make any significant contribution. Those are the days I remind myself that we couldn’t afford the IUI’s, coming IVFs, or any other acronyms without this company’s health benefits. Although I’m a Buddhist and really should be chanting for peace more, some days it’s my mantra. I read with empathy and disgust the blogs where women report what insurance won’t cover — husband’s necessary surgery, surrogate embryo implantation. On to do list — Do my legislators support insurance for all and fertility coverage included? Find out.

Being private person, it is a challenge for me to work at what feels like Peyton Place because they don’t really understand confidentiality. I see it with how the employees we manage are treated and throughout the corporation. Many have been there a long time and gossip and strange liaisons are an unfortunate mainstay. I have no idea how many complications may be associated with mulberry’s and my new endeavor or how it will affect me professionally.

When I first started,
a human resources person was going over papers with me and when she came to the domestic partnership stuff she said apologetically “oh uh yeah I have to show you this but anyway….” and she moved on to the next thing. She paused (and almost audibly gasped) when I submitted my family additions to my health form.

I’ve been out since I was a teenager and being an artist and having worked mainly in the quasi non-profit world for most of my life, this is the first completely corporate job I’ve had where I am not out. Here is the line where my political views and my embedded personal views on privacy walk a tight rope in myself. I cultivate my relationships and hold what people say to me about themselves to be precious. My training and field of study in college actually have people always telling me personal private matters. In fact people have always chosen me to keep their confidences or to record their story.

My cousin confirmed last week that her adoption proceedings have gone through. I, silly me, said, “wow congratulations — this has been so hard for you. Who have you been able to really talk to about this? Have you ever tried a blog community? She was horrified. She incredulously said, “of course not. I’m too private. Too much possible fallout.” Of course this was her response. This is my cousin from my family. We don’t show ourselves unless it is absolutely necessary or in the service of someone else.

This whole ramble came up for me because another manager (who has ties to leadership) and I are potentially becoming friends. She has been going through a tough time and found out yesterday she has a scheduling conflict during the same week that mulberry and I plan to be “on vacation” in the thick of fertility land beginning stimulation treatment. I didn’t feel comfortable telling her my reason so I started to cry and only revealed that it was not going to be a vacation for me. I told her I only asked for it that way because I don’t want to take any kind of medical time off for fear of other staff members being privy to my issues. I see this is going to be a theme for me. I’m not exactly trying to have a baby the old fashioned way. More to work on. More to work on.


Posted in privacy, work | 2 Comments »

Beginning With The End

Posted by dakota on July 16, 2008

I’m not sure how to start so I’ll begin with the end.
I want a happy life with my beautiful sweetheart, mulberry, and a baby or two or three. (oh my!)
The future notwithstanding, here, in this moment, is where I want to live. But it’s so hard for me sometimes that I find ways to recede and dodge my true desires in the hectic day-to-day of urban living.

I am very new to this world of personal blogging. But like many, once I started to read and read and read the heartfelt, heart wrenching, slap funny words, rages, and joys of others in the blogger world, it felt wrong to not participate. Even though I am unquestionably very social (in matters of art, politics, helping a stranger), I am paradoxically and unfathomably private — and the thought of putting private unformed thought in a space outside my head seems risky, but here for me now is about risks and actualizing dreams in the here.

This is a girl who when she was six, her mother bought her a gold pendant with the symbol for Libra on it even though she is a Taurus. When I asked her why, she said, “Taurus, the bull, is very powerful. People don’t need to know the power you have or they’ll want to take it from you. Or keep it from you.” Although my mother teaches me many things with her generous, humble, tragedy-stirred life, she was only partially right. Although she is a health professional with two advanced degrees, the old world fears of spells and magic slip in where she doesn’t notice and have imprinted me (for better and for not). My life teaches me that power is within and that power is, among other things, also for the sharing.

Mulberry heard me say that as much as we need each other, we need community to help us navigate through this new territory we’ve chosen. So she set up shop and started to write. She encouraged me to do the same. So there. I’m here.

Posted in privacy, why blog | 3 Comments »