Fumbling Towards Here

In Case You Didn’t Know

Posted by dakota on August 27, 2008

Mulberry and I are again contemplating next moves –this time in the wake of our insurance company’s blow to our plans. The plan re-organizing coupled with Mulberry’s nausea and intestinal discomfort from the birth control pills she was taking and the heartburn and chest tightening she is experiencing from the ineffective asthma medications have, to say the least, further stressed matters. I am usually an upbeat, confident, non-swearing kind of dyke but I have been none of these in the last few days. I have felt defeated by my physical limitations, clueless, and financially retarded. Where I started to feel the most powerless, Mulberry traded places with me and started hunkering down and told me she was not ready to give up this easily. I mean the woman can’t breath but she’s ready to fight whomever. She also still managed to come through for her community organizing buddies who needed her talents to enhance a small event they were hosting. She actually had to perform a song and she did it. She was a bit worried at first of course about her breathing capacity, but in the end she did it lovingly and movingly. That is the kind of woman she is. She shows up for her friends and does her best to meet her obligations with competence and grace. It is in times like these I am struck with awe at my beloved’s tenacity of will and focus even with personal adversity. Today I am feeling grateful. Still clueless, but grateful.

Our talking is filled with anger about the situation, tears, cluelessness, strategy, respect and love love love. As grateful as we are to have each other, we have also been talking about how we both are so appreciative to all of you for your support. We started blogging to find community and to flesh out the myriad of feelings creating a family can sometimes thwart with confusion and disappointment or sometimes bloom with welcome surprise. We’ve only just started, but we feel the unmistakable sense of community with you. Certainly we have supportive friends in our lives, but we also feel so grateful to you who drop in, read, and may nod your head in silence and sometimes comment in friendship and support. This undertaking would be so much harder without knowing you are out there with us and we with you.

I don’t write as often as I’d like. My work days often bring me home well past one a.m. And I am for better and for not, a muller (there is no such word, I made it up but you know what I mean)– I have to mull over my thoughts and feelings for a while before I can articulate them. But on this one I need no extra time. Just want to reach out and say, thanks buddies. Thanks so much for being here.


7 Responses to “In Case You Didn’t Know”

  1. Lizzie said

    d & m – you've very quickly become a very important part of this community for me – big hugs as you reconsider, revaluate, and plan ….

  2. bleu said

    OK what asthma meds is she on and what does she need? I have an extra asthmacort and an extra advaire if either would help. As for BCP if she is having a reaction to them she should be switched to another brand. I was on Yasmin which wasn’t too bad for me.

    I am so sorry for you both, it is so hard and stressful.

  3. Eva said

    Yes,I am here and I know you you feel. Swear away! Lord knows that I have done it enough for both of us. xo

  4. babypants said

    I am so happy you are here in this community too. It is like one big circle of support is how I like to think of it. I am happy you and Mulberry are leaning in on eachother. I have a ton of hope that you will come up with a good plan and I hope that can happen soon for you both

  5. Melody said

    I think we would have quit long ago were it not for this online community. I’m glad you’re finding the support you need here.

  6. Sarah said

    I’m glad you are finding some comfort in the community and wishing you both the best of luck in this whole process…

  7. insertmetaphor said

    I just came over from Mulberry’s blog and wanted to say hi. I’m looking forward to getting to know you.

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