Fumbling Towards Here

I don’t know

Posted by dakota on August 13, 2008

It has been hard to write and organize my thoughts. Last week we decided on a very high drug complex plan of action that will involve mulberry freezing her embryos first then us both going through a process for a fresh transfer of my embryos to her. Then we found out mulberry has asthma, and a continued mystery swelling of her ankles. Doctor says might be just a bit of weight gain but we are not sure. She’s on birth control pills while we are waiting for our two insurance companies to reject and accept whatever parts they will. I know she is afraid of the drugs related to IVF. I am too, especially since we won’t know what new symptoms will arise from them. I know how much she wants the experience of pregnancy. I keep coming back to wondering whether this really is the right thing for her–trying to carry my embryos. She hasn’t been diagnosed with anything negative regarding her fertility, and we’ve only tried once to get her pregnant less invasively. Oh.

When we were in the RE’s office discussing our options back in June and got to the part where mulberry would carry, I started to cry and blurted out that it may not be fair for mulberry to do MY heavy lifting. When the RE asked me whether her husband had allowed her to do the heavy lifting when they had their child, I said yes. Yes he had. As a feminist, I feel that he and we all betta recognize as they say in the neighborhood. Women do an incredible thing (risk our own lives really) bringing life into the world.

I can’t finish these thoughts yet. I feel suspended and surreal and sad today. U2 is on the radio I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. Which has been followed by Ohio Players Rollercoaster. I am ovulating too. Another twelve-hour work day awaits.

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2 Responses to “I don’t know”

  1. bleu said

    I have had this post up on my screen for a day because I so wanted to respond.
    Before I began clomid I remember being worried, and before stims the same thing. It is such a shift, such a big shift to my whole being. It turned out that it took a lot more to adjust mentally than physically for me.

    I wish i could make this easier for you. I know I can’t. I think though, talking about it, all of it, all the thoughts, fears, and concerns is the best start.

    Much love and gentleness to you.

  2. Melody said

    I felt (and still feel) terrible guilt when Vanessa was going through her IVF. She never wanted any part of carrying a baby, and, were it not for what we, at the time, believed were my bad eggs, there would never have been a reason for her to experience stims, retrieval, and all the pain and hormonal mess that comes with it. I don’t know how you get around that guilt or if this is even helpful. Just saying that I identify with it. Conversely Vanessa had a lot of guilt over not wanting to carry when I wanted to so desperately and had such a difficult time getting pregnant. Lesbian TTC and pregnancy are emotional minefields.

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